I Hope You Live Forever
by FromDustReturned
Summary: "Lily and James, Sirius, how could you - " 'how could you think I would betray them' But the words never left Peter's mouth, and he was never given the chance to explain. The world exploded. AU, Peter Pettigrew doesn't betray the Potters, but that doesn't stop the world from spiraling into chaos. Disclaimer on profile page.
1. The Plan

"Pettigrew!"

Sirius' voice rang through the cottage, and Peter wouldn't have been surprised to see the windows rattle. Closing his eyes briefly, shoulders sagging in relief, he let his wand hang loose in his hand. Stepping forward to pull away the curtain that separated the living-room from the kitchen, he was met by the bizarre sight of his friend backing slowly into the house, soaking wet.

"Um… What are you doing?"

"Quiet, Pettigrew, I'm putting up wards. You seemed lacking so I, being the good friend that I am, decided to help. It's Lupin's fault, you know."

"Right, sorry. Why did we do it?"

"The question is supposed to come before the answer, Pettigrew, not after. Now," Sirius spun around, water droplets flying from his hair, his face curiously blank. "I thought you were sick. Was it just a passing cold?"

Belatedly, Peter rubbed his nose, sniffing. "Yeah, just a cold. I'm over the worst of it, just a bit of a head ache, you know. So… we're having dinner tonight at James's. I suppose you couldn't wait a few hours to see me?"

Sirius scowled, crossing his arms. "Is that so hard to believe? Get me some towels, Pettigrew, I'm soaking wet. Or hadn't you noticed?" There was a brief pause while he waited expectantly, then let out a long suffering sigh. "Will you _please_ get me a towel, Pettigrew? It's the least you can do after I set up those new wards."

"Stop using my name every other sentence, _Black_ , and I've only got one towel which I'm going to need tonight. Go shake off outside." In an attempt to show some gratitude, because Sirius had had a point, Peter added, "Would you like something to eat? I don't have any firewhiskey, but I can make tea if you'd like."

"I'll ask you to kindly not spread your germs, thanks." There was a pop and then Padfoot stood on Peter's rug, giving him a calculating look. A second later he found himself and all his belongings subject to a shower of doggy water droplets.

Spluttering indignantly, Peter made to shove the dog out the door. "For Merlin's sake, Sirius, was that really necessary? How did you get so wet anyways? It's not even raining out!"

Padfoot gave a bark before transforming once again, less wet though still damp. "A well placed _Auguamenti_ my dear Pettigrew. Now, to business. Sit." A long finger pointed to the couch, and Peter, far too used to taking orders by now, sat without hesitation.

A second later Sirius had flung himself into the opposite chair, and there was a moment of silence as the two regarded each other, suddenly wary. Peter was trying desperately not to panic at the sudden intensity of Sirius' gaze, fighting to keep his face neutral while frantically searching for anything that could have given him away. _Did he find the mask? Am I still wearing –_

"They're not enough, you know. The protections around James, Lily, and Harry. They've been staying at Hogwarts after the last attack, but we all knew that wouldn't… that couldn't last. They were putting the students at…" Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, and Peter saw suddenly just how tired his friend was. In a moment of humility, he remembered that he wasn't the only one fighting in this war. Every day it seemed Sirius was away at Order meetings, fighting against the prejudice surrounding his name, even after all these years trying to prove to the world that he was worth more than a grimace of distaste.

"Sirius, I – I know. That's why we're having dinner tonight, to see their new place. It's in Godric's Hollow, isn't it?"

"Look, you don't understand. Tonight isn't just… Remember Muggle Studies, when we read the Bible? Whatsisname had this big dinner party when he was saying good-bye to everyone, the Last Supper, right. Tonight's like that, but without the whole dying part." Sirius swallowed, looking Peter in the eye again. "No one's dying. It's just that we're not going to see them for a while, that's all. Lupin's going to be there."

Peter couldn't help but twitch as Sirius said that, guilt bubbling up to try and make an appearance on his treacherous face. It had been more than three months ago that Dumbledore had suggested there was a traitor in their midst, and Peter, in a moment of panic, had said the first name that came to mind.

 _'I think it's Remus. No, it makes sense…'_

Remus, who was always disappearing. Remus, who would never look anyone in the eye, who always seemed to shut down when someone asked how he was, or where he'd been. Remus, who had never deserved any of this. And Peter had seen it on Sirius' face, that split second when he had been glad that he wasn't the first one to be blamed. It had taken more than just a week to convince them, of course, but even as Peter choked on his own words, regretting every syllable he pronounced, horror had changed to bewildered disbelief on James and Sirius' faces, and finally to grim acceptance. They had yet to share their concerns with Lily, but even she must've noticed the change. It had been a long time since Remus had been invited to dinner, and tonight… Peter didn't know if he could face them, not with the knowledge of what he'd done.

"O-okay. I… thanks for the warning, I guess, but why – "

"No Pettigrew, Merlin, that's not why I'm here! Why are you making this so difficult?"

At a loss, Peter shook his head slightly, saying nothing. It had always been difficult for him to keep up with what Sirius was saying, and now, without James or Remus to interpret, it was nearly impossible.

"Look," Sirius began again, leaning forward suddenly, "just listen, because this is important. We need to keep them safe. James, Lily, Harry, we need to keep them all safe. Do you agree? Say it out loud."

"Y-yeah, of course. Of course I agree. We need to keep them safe." _That's why – no, don't think about that, not now._ Peter new how short his friends attention spans were – how could he not – but he dreaded the day when one of them learned the art of Legillimancy and decided to give his admittedly feeble Occlumancy shields a poke. It would be disastrous, to say the least.

"Right, of course." Sirius echoed, eyes suddenly distant, and Peter didn't need the skill of mind reading to know who he was thinking of.

"Do you remember History of Magic, fourth year?" Peter nodded once, confused. "Right, well, Lupin was trying to convince us not to become Animagi, and then James said that he would do anything for him, and I –" Sirius swallowed, and it occurred to Peter that he must be afraid. "I said I would die for him. For any of you. I meant it then, but it's still true. Pettigrew, you have to understand, I would do anything to keep them safe. Even Lupin. Merlin knows whether he d-deserves it or not, but still… Do you understand? Wouldn't you do anything, if only they were safe?"

Peter could feel his alarm mounting with every passing second, but he forced himself to remain calm. He could tell that Sirius was on the verge of something, tears, laughter, hysteria, something even worse, and he couldn't let himself be pulled in. Someone had to be the voice of reason in their increasingly dissolving world, and in this case it happened to be himself.

"Are you planning a heroic, self-sacrificial deed, Sirius? Because I can tell you right now that if it ends in you dying, I'd be forced to stop you."

Sirius let out a strained laugh. "No, you're getting it all wrong, Pettigrew. Haven't you learned anything? I don't _have_ a plan. You see, my plans tend to go wrong half the time, so by my reasoning, the only way to prevent this is by not having a plan at all. You see? If I don't have a plan, it can't go wrong. Now, as I was saying before you interrupted, it really is necessary to keep them safe. So listen, because I have an idea and I'm going to need your help."


	2. The Decision

Peter knew he wasn't good at spell-work. He wasn't bad, not by a long-shot, no, he just wasn't good. When he had been at school, he had always been in the shadow of his friends ingenuity. Even Remus, who had struggled to keep up with the schoolwork and his illness, had been better. Magic just didn't come naturally for him, and he had accepted that years ago. When pranks were played at school, he had always been the distraction, never trusted with doing any of the increasingly complex magic that seemed to dominate the lives of his friends and everyone around them.

Now, as he sat half listening to Sirius's plans of protection, he considered the notion that either a) this was an extremely elaborate prank, or b) that he was dreaming. After all, no one in their right mind, much less Sirius, would ask him to take part in a highly complex, in some places even illegal, piece of magic. It just wasn't possible. And yet, this didn't feel like a dream, and it felt even less like a joke. Tension filled the small sitting-room, and even though at times Sirius managed a smile, his words were heavy and his tone serious. His eyes were for once fixed on Peter's face, and he found it hard not to let his fear and uncertainty show. He had to remain calm and collected. They were talking about life and death.

"You know I would do it in a heartbeat, everyone already knows it's going to be me, I want it to be me just so no one else can get hurt." Sirius had been stressing this point for the last hour, and Peter didn't doubt him. "But I don't think… if I were captured, I don't know how long I could last. Unless, of course, I had nothing to tell, and no one would ever suspect you. It's perfect. You will do it, won't you? It's to keep them safe, and you know James would do the same for you. I promise we'll put protections of all sorts around your house, I'll have someone check on you every week, you'll have all sorts of safety precautions, I'll even -"

"I know Sirius, I understand. You're rambling." Peter felt sick to his stomach. For an hour now he had been listening to Sirius's plan, finding less and less ways to refuse. He knew that the Dark Lord was after his friends, after Harry. He had no idea why, but he knew that if he could deliver the child to Voldemort he would almost certainly be promoted, maybe even granted a favor. _If I could only keep them all alive_. But he knew that the chances of everyone surviving this war were slim. He had tried everything to keep everyone he cared about safe, it had been working, but then the Dark Lord had gone and decided that he needed to kill a baby. And that baby happened to be Harry, and now James and Lily were going to die, and Sirius too. They would stop at nothing to keep the boy safe, and now they were all going to be killed because of it. _Unless…_ Unless there was nothing to die for. After all, if Harry were to -

"Pettigrew. _Pettigrew_. Peter! I'm waiting for you to say something here. Hello? What do you think?" Sirius's impatient voice cut through his thoughts and Peter looked up, focusing on his friend's face.

"Are you sure there's no one else who's… better at magic?" Peter knew that if he became Secret Keeper it was only a matter of months before someone found out, and the whole operation would fall to pieces. On the other hand, however, if he were able to hand Harry over then maybe Voldemort would leave the rest of his friends alone. As a favor. "I would, but I don't know if I'm the right choice. I'm honored, but surely there's someone better." _Please let there be someone else, please please please…_ Torn as he was, the more he thought about it, the less Peter wanted the death of a child on his hands.

"We're doing it tonight." Sirius frowned as he sat back, propping his feet on the coffee-table between them. "There's no time to find anyone else. Of course I'll do it if you don't want to… but I thought you would."

The disappointment in his tone was unmistakable, and Peter found himself shrinking from it. During their school days, he had always been searching for ways to prove himself, prove that he was an equal in their small band of friends, and now Sirius sat before him, offering just such a chance. If he accepted, he could prove that he wasn't a coward, wasn't afraid to stick up for his friends as they had done for him on countless occasions. He could prove that he was willing to risk his life for a greater cause. He could prove to them, and to himself, that he really was a Gryffindor, and that the hat hadn't made a mistake all those years ago.

"I'll do it."

If he accepted though, he would have to tell the Dark Lord, and then -

"Oh thank Merlin." Sirius let out a sigh of relief, his whole body relaxing.

"What? Oh." Peter felt the blood rushing from his face as he realized what he'd said. He'd spoken his thoughts aloud, and now there was no way of taking them back. "Sirius… "

"We tell no one, understand? No one. Not Dumbledore, not Mr. Potter, not Lupin, not – wait, hold on. No, listen Pettigrew! I've just had a brilliant idea." Sirius jumped to his feet, eyes shining with excitement, and began to pace. "We tell _no one_. Not even Lily and Potter! You see, we're not casting the charm on them. We're going to cast it on the house, so they don't actually need to be present for the casting. You'll cast it on the house, I'll witness and bind you, and no one will be the wiser. Isn't it brilliant?"

Peter didn't think it was. He could see quite a few flaws in the plan already, and he was still trying to recover from the shock of unwittingly agreeing to something he now wished he had never learned of. "But how would they know where their house was? I'd have to tell them." He knew it was weak, but it was something.

"You don't have to actually tell them. You could write it down on a piece of paper, give it to me, and then I'd give it to them." Sirius was grinning now, apparently pleased with his moment of genius.

"But I don't understand why." Peter just managed to keep his voice from a whine. "Why shouldn't we tell them? I don't understand. Surely they ought to know where their own house is. Wouldn't James want to invite friends over?"

"But that's just it. Potter won't be able to keep his mouth shut, and after a month he'd be sending everyone he comes across to get the secret out of his Secret Keeper, just so he could have someone to entertain him or babysit while he and Lily escape for a night off." Sirius made a face at this, and Peter sympathized. "He'll be bored out of his mind. What if he tells the wrong sort who the Secret Keeper actually is?"

Unfortunately, Peter found himself agreeing with Sirius. "So you haven't run this idea by James and Lily? About swapping Secret Keepers, I mean."

"No, I wanted to make sure you'd do it. I didn't want to raise their hopes for nothing. It really is a good thing I didn't tell them though, isn't it?" Sirius had stopped pacing now, and has standing with his hands resting on the top of his chair, fingers tapping with pent up energy. "It'll only be us, Pettigrew. Me, the decoy, and you, the secret Secret Keeper. They'll be protected. They'll be _safe._ "

Peter could only nod his head, his mind strangely numb. The more he listened to Sirius go on about how safe everyone would be, the more nauseous he felt. No one would be safe, no one would survive this horrible war, everyone would die… unless. Unless Peter did the unthinkable, the only thing he could do in this situation. If only Harry could die, everyone else would live.

"I – I think you should go, Sirius. I'm not feeling well, and I need to prepare. If this charm is as hard as it sounds… I'll need to do some reading. Do you need anything else before you go?" It was an obvious dismissal, and Peter hoped Sirius would take the cue and leave. He needed some time alone to mentally prepare himself for what was to come.

Sirius frowned for an instant, his fingers stilling, but then he was smiling again and heading toward the fireplace. "I'll see you then, Peter. Got any Floo powder? I was going to stop by Diagon Alley, get Harry some candy for Halloween. That kid's going to be spoiled rotten by the time he's eleven. Is it here, in this jar? The Floo powder, I mean."

Peter nodded, waving his wand to ignite the log in the fireplace. There was a flash of green, and then Sirius was gone, leaving behind only his parting words. _'_ _By the time he's eleven…'_

Peter let his head fall into his hands, feeling as though he could sink no lower, but all the while knowing that he was nowhere near the bottom.


	3. Distinctions

The house was pretty, Peter thought, as the world materialized around him. Adjusting his coat, he stepped off the road and onto the little path that led through the front gate to the door. Nowhere near as big as the Potter Estate Manor, of course, the whole house could have fit in the kitchen, but it would do. It would certainly be easier to hide than the Manor would have been. Reaching the door, Peter smiled as his hand grasped the lion's head knocker, letting it swing to rap out a quick knock. How many times had James expressed his wish to live in the same place that, centuries ago, Godric Gryffindor had lived in? It was a dream come true for his friend.

At the sound of the knocker, an ear-splitting shriek filled the air, there was a shout of "Harry! NO!" and then a crash as something thudded into the door. Peter jumped back a step, his wand in hand, wondering if he should open the door uninvited. If they were in danger…

A wail came up from the other side, and then James' muffled voice said, "Harry, while I appreciate your enthusiasm, you need to know that you're not a battering ram. No matter how excited you are, there's really only one way of opening a door, and it does not include plowing into it headfirst. Lily! Would you see who it is?"

The sound of Harry's crying faded, and then Lily's soft voice came from behind the door. "Who is it?"

"Peter Pettigrew." Peter replied nervously, glancing behind him. It was growing dark, and he didn't want to draw attention by standing too long on the doorstep.

There was a pause on the other side, and then Lily called out, "Where were you when I fell in love with James?"

"A rat trap, I believe." Was Peter's answer.

The door opened, and Lily held out her hand, pulling Peter into a hug. Lily had always gone out of her way to make Peter feel wanted at school, giving him pep-talks when he was down and threatening to hex James or Sirius when they had been neglectful of his feelings. Even now, when they were both grown adults and were expected to know their place in the world, she still tried to look out for him. At times it was overbearing, but he knew it was in her nature to look out for the oddballs, and he did feel better anytime she offered a free smile or hug, without him having to do anything to earn it.

"What happened to Harry?" Peter asked as he hung his coat on the wall.

"You remember that toy broom Sirius bought him for his birthday?" She said. He nodded. "Well, he's taken quite a liking to it. A bit too much in my opinion. Come into the sitting-room. Ever since Remus taught him how to fly into a hug, Harry's been trying it with everyone who comes to the door. Usually we have them inside by the time he realizes someone's here, but we weren't quite fast enough this time. He was really excited to see you, Peter." She smiled up at him, then turned toward the kitchen, where it appeared James had disappeared to.

"James! Don't you think you've deprived Harry enough of his uncle?"

"Wormtail." James appeared, a lazy grin on his face, glasses slightly lopsided. A wet faced, snuffly Harry sat in his arms, hiccuping slightly. "Glad it's you. You want a go with the little monster? He's been quite eager to see everyone today."

James stepped forward, offering Harry, and Peter found himself taking a step back. He crossed his arms, feeling something akin to panic welling up inside himself. "N-no, I don't," He swallowed, "I mean, sorry, I still have a bit of a c-cold. I don't want to get him sick." He tried a smile, but knew that it fell short of his usual grin. "I'm sorry. When are the others coming?"

James frowned slightly, but pulled his son back against his chest. "They should be arriving soon. Are you really not feeling well?" His brow crinkled in concern. "We have some Pepper Up in the kitchen, and Lily has some of that Muggle stuff, zinc was it?" He shot a glance at his wife, whose eyes were fixed on Peter, searching.

Suddenly wishing that he were anywhere else, Peter shrugged, running a hand under his nose for effect. "I'll have some of the zinc, thanks. It would be in the bathroom, wouldn't it? Where's that?"

"I'll show you." James said, handing Harry off to Lily. "Come on. Tell me what you think of this place." His smile was back now, and he was fairly bouncing with excitement. "I mean, it's great, isn't it. Godric's Hollow! Can you believe it, Peter? Oh, I must have dreamed of living in this place for so long, and now Harry's going to get to grow up here! And you have to let me take you on a tour sometime, the toy shop down the road is fantastic." He laughed, glancing at Peter. "You should have seen it, I almost bought Harry everything there. Flying dragons, little potions kits, toy wands, play dress robes, you name it. Merlin, there were even little Dumbledore and Grindelwald action figures! Can you believe it? Here's the bathroom, and the zinc's in the mirror over the sink. Remember, you're to give me a full report when you're done. Tell me what you think. I'll be downstairs."

And with that, Peter was left alone in the small bathroom, staring at his pale face and listening to James' footsteps fading away down the stairs. Letting out a shaky breath, he reached for the mirror, tugging open the cabinet and taking the small bottle of Muggle medicine. It took several minutes to open with his shaking hands, and it was only as he was about to place the small pill in his mouth that he remembered that he didn't actually need it. Closing his eyes, he set the bottle down. If he were beginning to believe his own lies…

He let out a soft curse. This was all well and good when he had an audience with the Dark Lord, but when he was surrounded by his friends, by the people who loved him, he ought to be able to tell the truth from his reality. Lately though, things had been alarmingly blurred. The Dark Lord. Only Death Eaters called him that. And why, why had he even considered sacrificing Harry. The only light in their darkening world, their saving grace, what they were all fighting for. But that was just it, wasn't it. _You can end it all… Take it all away, and there will be no reason to fight, nothing to die for…_

"No!" Peter growled, eyes snapping open. The truth. What was it? He was Peter, Wormtail, a Marauder. He was an uncle, a friend, he was loved, he was trying so hard to keep everyone alive. _'But it's not enough, you know that. You could be so much more, if only…'_

A door slammed downstairs, and he jerked out of his thoughts, the Dark Lord's voice still echoing in his head. Taking a deep breath, he replaced the uneaten zinc, then went to the door, pausing at the top of the stairs to collect himself. He had agreed to keep them safe, so that was what he was going to do. There was nothing else to it.

"Wormtail!" James voice floated through the house. "Get down here, everyone's arriving."

With one last glance at the mirror, to assure himself that he really was Wormtail, and not some traitorous impostor, Peter made for the stairs, curious as to who James meant by 'everyone.'

Everyone, as it turned out, was Remus. Sirius had yet to arrive. Harry, upon seeing his Uncle Moony in the doorway, let out another now familiar shriek of delight, wriggling out of his mother's arms. He looked uncertain for a minute, torn between running for a hug and looking for his confiscated broom, but after a moment of debate decided on the broom. Lily followed with an amused look, leaving the three Marauders to themselves.

"You really shouldn't have taught Harry that trick, Moony." James said, laughing. "Do you know what he did when Peter arrived? He flew straight at the door, expecting it to open. The toy doesn't go very fast, of course, but it was quite the traumatizing experience, I think. He's going to be quite the flier when he gets a real broom, with impeccable aim as evidenced by your little trick – he can fly straight into anyone's arms – and he's quite good at playing grab the snitch…"

Remus sent Peter an amused smile, and Peter found himself returning it. Once James got started on his son and brooms, there was nothing in the world that could stop him from glorifying the future. He had already in previous such conversations proclaimed Harry a Chaser, a Seeker, a Beater, and worth a whole professional Quidditch team. When Lily had brought up the possibility of Harry going into racing rather than Quidditch, James had said that of course he would be a prodigy in either course, but that he would favor the more competitive game and excel at it too.

After another few minutes of Quidditch, by which time the three of them had taken seats, James began their next traditional conversation, which centered around everyone's health, and Remus' in particular.

"You're loosing weight, Moony." James said, poking at Remus' rib cage and making him scowl, batting the offending hands away. Beneath the playful manner, however, Peter could see that James was worried. He always was, these days. "Have you been getting enough to eat? What are you earning now? Have you found a job you actually enjoy? The truth, Remus, because you know I'll never stand for you working under minimum wage. What even is it these days? Five sickles an hour? Ridiculous if you ask me-"

"James," Peter began, sensing Remus' unease. "Remus is a grown man now, he can take care of himself."

James turning to Peter, eyebrows raised. "Don't think you're off the hook, Pettigrew. You've lost weight too, you know." He sighed dramatically, throwing himself back against the couch and raising his hands in despair. "Where the two of you would be without me is unthinkable." He grinned at them. "It's a miracle you both survived to the age of eleven."

"You give yourself too much credit," Remus said, and Peter could tell that he was glad, as he himself was, that James had dropped the subject of health and jobs for now. "I, for one, wouldn't have any detentions on my otherwise immaculate school record, and I'm sure that Peter would have fared much the same."

James opened his mouth, about to make a retort, when Lily's voice came from the kitchen, "Remus, get ready! Okay Harry, yes, up you get."

A moment later Peter witnessed Harry racing as fast as his little broom would take him toward Remus, who had slid onto the floor in a kneeling position, arms ready and waiting to catch the little missile headed his way. The broom stopped an inch from Remus' stomach – Peter was impressed by both the detection charms and Harry's aim – and the momentum carried the ecstatic child into his uncle's waiting arms. Remus enfolded Harry in a hug, a look of complete and utter happiness crossing his usually guarded face. Peter looked away, feeling ill once more. If only Sirius would arrive, they could get everything over with.

As if on cue, there was a sharp rapping on the front door and Sirius's voice called in, "Hey, Potter, it's freezing out here. Let me in! Don't pretend you're not there, I can see through the window. Lily! Your husband's ignoring me-"

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius, quit your whining and give me a second. Thank you. Now, what did you call me in fourth year when I tripped you down the stairs on the way to potions?"

"Nothing, you prick, because of that damned mandrake leaf. Please open the door now?"

James finally swung the door open and Sirius tromped in, arms full of what Peter suspected was an assortment of loot from Diagon Alley. He swept through the hall, paused to give Lily a peck on the cheek – James scowled – and deposited his findings on the sitting-room table. Looking around, his smile was infectious. "I hope you're all in the mood for surprises, because I've come heavily laden." Winking at Peter, he sat himself down next where Remus was helping a struggling Harry back onto his broom. "Now, how's my little prodigy doing?"

"He's doing quite well, although you and I are long overdue a talk about responsibility and the repercussions of certain presents." Lily said, her face still slightly flushed from Sirius's earlier show of affection. Peter doubted she would ever get used to it. "Now, I need at least one of you to help me with supper. Any volunteers?"

"Lily, give them a break, they've just arrived…" James said with a frown, but was cut off by his wife's sweet smile, promising that if he didn't shut up he would regret it. Peter had seen that look all too often during their school years to ever forget what it implied. He stood then, nodding to James. "We'll have plenty of time to catch up later. I'll help in the kitchen, Lily." It would be a relief, to be rid of the reminders of what was to come. "You'll have to show me where everything is, though, and I'm afraid that my culinary skills haven't improved too much since the last time you witnessed them."

As he followed Lily into the kitchen, Peter heard James' laughter behind him, in response to something Sirius had said. Raising a hand to rub at his tired eyes, he took what consolation he could from the sound. For now – the only time that really mattered – everyone was happy, safe in their own contentment.


End file.
